We’ve all been there.
Click, click, click goes the mouse.
The keyboard rattles.
Your heart violently thumping in your heaving chest.
…A sigh of relief. The goblin is dead. You loot his unworthy corpse, and there you have it, your new iron sword, along with an unspoken oath of abstinence from mingling with the other gender. And showering.
“Somethings got to change”, you mutter to yourself after flicking the webpage, and preparing yourself with another date with that girls Facebook page.
Well my friend. Now is the time. The time for change.
Lets get started, shall we?
First things first.
Go to your bathroom. Look in the corner. You’ll see this ominous thing in the corner. That’s what we normal people call a shower. Get the fuck in it. Done? Good. Now you no longer smell like a Polar bear, we’re in business. You need a shave. That neckbeard makes it look like your face and neck are playing charades, and your face is Forrest Gump, your neck being whatever you call the main character in Castaway.
Yeah, I like Tom Hanks. he’s a legend.
Now let’s talk clothes. Lose the shorts and socks combo. That setup only works in nursing homes, where the women you’re hitting on are near enough blind anyway. Lose the oversized and dirty woolen pullover. You aren’t, nor will you ever be, in Nirvana.
Deodorize. Buy your own, stop using Mum’s.
Accessorize. Get some sparkly jewellery and wear as much of it as possible. If another guy mocks you, look him up and down, say “Please.” in a patronizing tone, turn, and walk away. Remember, girls love sparkly shit.
Realize. Time you realized that if you had spent as much time socializing as you have getting your Ogre to level 100 to be chief of all the other outcasts, you wouldn’t be in this shitty dilemma in the first place.
You’re almost ready to talk to the girl of your dreams. Almost. Just a few more things to clear up. Luckily for you some of these are all in your mind, so no-ones going to judge you instantly and walk away. You’ll need to verbally convince them to.
- Never ask the girl what level she is. Ever. Unless shes wearing a t-shirt with some kind of goblin on it, in which case go ahead, you two are probably a match made in heaven.
- If you have any restraining orders against her, please, go back to collecting pixels.
- Don’t stare at her like shes carrying high level loot. Even if she is.
- Stop sweating so much, you look like an amphibian.
- For now, at least pretend like you have talked to a girl before.
- Act like she isn’t even that pretty. Even if your penis weeps with lust. Which it probably will.
- Try not to boast too much about all those dragons you’ve slain.
- Don’t call her a “newb” if she doesn’t know as many fire spells as you.
Now I know you’re eager, but don’t get your hopes up. A great man once said “To get the girl you must be willing to lose her”, I can’t remember who it was, but let’s face it, you need to be willing to lose her, bruh.
Because it’s going to happen.
Anyway, I’m off.
Need a shower.
And a shave…