Ever get the feeling, when you’re at a party, that you just aren’t as cool as everyone else?
I’ve decided to spend some of my precious time today to give some advice on how to be “cool”.
First things first, don’t wear anything cheap. Cheap clothing is for tramps, and tramps are only cool when they’re fighting eachother. That settled, buy some designer clothes. Make sure everyone knows you’re wearing designer shit, not some ripoff stuff from the local supermarket. You’re going to want to get shoes that look like they’re from the 1880’s but are really worth more than my computer and T.V combined. You know the ones.
Trousers. You can go only two ways here. Chinos or jeans. What the fuck even are chinos? Buy some jeans. The key here is not to buy baggy jeans, that’s too mid 90s rapper for everyone’s liking. Get them tight. Really tight. Mmmm. Oh yeah, and make them a colour that only a character in a kids cartoon show would wear. Purple is good.
We’re almost there.
Get a v-neck t-shirt. Don’t be seen in any of these shitty “normal” neck t-shirts. You aren’t retired. People will talk, bro. Top that off with a checkered shirt. Designer. You must also get a cardigan. In case you’re wondering, the idea is to dress as your grandparents. Cardigan. And trousers that resemble something that Grand-papa plays golf in every Sunday morning.
Get as many shitty rubber or leather bracelets as possible and put them on your wrists like each one adds an inch to your penis.
Now you look the part. But can you act it?
First things first. Never admit you’re wrong. Ever. Secondly, always make eye contact. Never look away. Seriously, never. It’s like the opposite of Medusa, look away, and you turn to stone. By stone, I mean a shivering mass of social disgrace. Don’t even waste your time on girls. Girls are for people who can’t get laid.
Maybe you like a bit of Metal? Classic rock? Not anymore you don’t, you creep. You like Pop and Dubstep. The key here is to only like the songs everyone else likes. Even if they sound like someone has audio taped the noise a dog makes just before vomiting, and replayed it over and over with a robot singing to it. And trust me, they will. Doesn’t matter though. Still bob your head to it like its the new Rust In Peace.